Now Without Censor Dots

One of My Loves

2010-09-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

We hugged, pressing our bodies against each other. I allowed myself to float in the warmth of her embrace. Inhaling deeply, I felt the love we share. For a moment in time, nothing else mattered. There was only us. I allowed myself to be laid bare. I whispered "I love you" into her ear. I heard her whisper those same words. We kissed lightly on the lips. The sensualness of her touch becoming etched into my memory.

Unhidden Desires

2010-07-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

I attended a bondage workshop yesterday afternoon. There was a lot of the typical elements - a review of risks and important safety

measures which can never be over-emphasized, demonstrations and practice of different ties and techniques, discussion of different types

of rope. One element that was very different was at the end of the workshop. The facilitator led us through a meditation exercise to help us explore what we desire from bondage. The goal was to help us visualize in our minds our ideal bondage scene, first as a bottom, then as a top.

The images, sounds, smells and sensations that filled my mind were not surprising as many of the elements I recognize from fantasies I've had since I first realized I was kinky.

I found myself lying in a middle of a large hall. The edges of the large room were out of focus. I could sense others sitting in a ring around the edge, however, I could neither hear them or see them. The light inside the room was bright white. As the scene progressed, details would come in and out of focus, often times changing.

My top kept changing through-out the scene. Sometimes she was someone I have played with before, other times, she was unknown to me. One constant is that she and I were both naked. She was always tall, slender. The bondage was just one element of her seduction. As she wrapped the ropes around me, her hands would touch my skin seductively. I could feel her hair touch my face. Her breasts would press against me as her arms surrounded me as she tied the rope. With every deep breath I inhaled her smell. The warmth of her body arousing all my senses.

Whenever I would fall too deeply into her sexuality, she would remind me who held the power. A quick sharp stroke to stimulate the pain receptors. I would cry out in pain, and then she would sooth me, caressing me gently. Once she had me completely bound, she knew my body was hers to satisfy her needs, her desire. I would be unable to resist whenever she wanted to inflict pain or give me pleasure.

Everything about her touch was sensual. Designed to fuel my lust, yet it was for her satisfaction.

The scene fades away as our facilitator instructs us to now visualize on our ideal bondage as a top.

The room is in sharper focus. It appears to be the same hall, yet a times it fades away. I recognize the guests and setting as a formal party and then at times everything is blurry. I am dressed for the occasion. My submissive the only one completely nude.

She is blindfolded. Her face never comes into focus. I tie her up quickly. She is left exposed and vulnerable. She is responsive to my touch. Unable to resist any of my advances. Different images flash through my mind as to how I use her. Always though, she is filled with happiness by whatever I take from her.

I am lying on a couch in the workshop room. I hear the voice of our facilitator leading us through the exercise. I am aware of myself watching these images in my mind and finding myself aroused by them. Slowly the facilitator brings the exercise to an end. We discussed amongst ourselves what we each saw. I am not surprised by what was shared by two my fellow participants, both of whom I'm known for a long time.

Clarity is Just and Illusion

2010-06-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

I drove her home after the party on Saturday night. This in itself is of no significance, as I have often given her rides home late at night. We have always been able to talk candidly with each other about things that we wouldn't share with others. Always as close friends. I even remember our very first such conversation where we talked about our relationship goals. We had both just ended bad relationships and were looking for things that were as diametrically opposite to each other as night and day.

Since that first conversation, our friendship has grown stronger. We have shared many intimacies and always a constant were those goals that we shared. We even became regular play partners, but always without the expectation of romantic interests.

I don't know exactly when things changed. I have noticed my feelings towards her growing stronger over the past couple of months. I also sensed that we both new that this was happening. It use to be when we hugged, it used to be a friendly, "pat on the back" feeling. Lately, though, whenever we embrace, it was like a flood of every emotion you feel when the entire cosmos is in perfect balance.

We sat in the car, parked in front of her place. I don't know how long we talked. In the past, we have talked about our relationships with others. We talked about my wife and my past d/s partner. We talked about her past relationships, her girlfriend and where she sees there future going. Tonight, we talked about each other for the first time and how our relationship fits within our primary relationship partnerships.

I am uncertain about what the future holds for us. But I am ready to see where it will take us.

It's Not a Typical Saturday

2009-09-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

Why I made a dentist appointment for 8:30 a.m. on a Saturday, I have not a clue. The hygienist who cleaned my teeth was not the one I had originally booked. However, I was not disappointed as she was more than easy on the eye and rather competent to boot. A sexy woman scraping your teeth makes up for having to get up early. And yes, the masochist in me actually enjoys the feel of most dental work, a fact which came up in the conversation we had while she worked (not the masochist part, though). Although I suspect she is a sadomasochist herself, which most people who chose dentistry likely are, in my opinion, not that it's such a bad thing. She mentioned she actually liked the feel of having her teeth cleaned herself, which she said was probably the reason why she enjoyed her work so much.

You make bath time lots of fun

2009-08-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the person who re-tweeted my tweet about Ernie and Rubber Ducky realizes that my friend Red was referring to a sex toy and I was referring to masturbation.

Harmless

2009-07-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

Spotted these clothespins at Homesense. Anyone have any suggestions for possible uses?

The night was sultry, but not from the temperature outside

2009-06-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

After a few days of unusually hot weather that felt like the dog days of August, it was nice to have an evening where the temperatures were more typical of late spring. Last night the sheet soaking was from mixing body fluids. The cool breeze felt nice.

Who Needs Porn When You Find This Stuff in Mainstream Science Fiction

2009-05-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

Proof that the writers of the Dune novels were sadomasochists. Now I wonder what the bible-thumping folks whose quest to feverishly protect young-impressionable minds from smut would say about this excerpt from a basically PG-13 series of novels which I first started reading when I was around 12. Of course it might explain my twisted mind.

When he looked down at the thrashing Vladimir, his sweat-drenched clothes, and the defiant grin on his face, the Face Dancer realized another possible problem. The torture might be ineffective for the simple and straight-forward fact that this ghola actually enjoy it.

Anyway, toy bag is packed for tonight.

Spring Cleaning

2009-05-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

Packed up some boxes for a friend who is moving into a new house. The cat may or may not still be in the box. In other news, I got my ass kicked in Mario Kart on Friday night.

Loneliness Is Collecting Dust on the Bookshelf

2009-04-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

I've been nudged to update this thing sometime this century. I think the nudger had something more in mind than this update. She knows where to find me as my weekend plans may or may not involve getting into some sort of trouble with her. In case the rest of the world is wondering, those plans include a workshop with Lee Harrington. It will be great opportunity to see first hand the ties from Lee's book which Kona sent me in the Secret Santa endeavor from the defunct blog land that hosted the previous version of this journal.

In case anyone was wondering, somebody spilled half their cup of coffee on me this morning while I was standing in line at the coffee shop (not Starbucks by the way). Had to phone the misses to bring me a clean pair of underwear to replace the pair which managed to get soaked with coffee.

Finding Order in Chaos

2009-02-25T08:19:00.000-08:00

For the moment my little corner of the cosmos mirrors the world around me. That my professional life is hectic and feeling turned upside down is not surprising. If it wasn't in that situation right now, I would be concerned, as what I do is a chunk of the financial risk management world which translates into when the markets are in chaos, my clients need me. I'm less busy when the world is happy. With time things will come around.

My personal life has taken off on an unexpected journey. The ride has been wild. Right now it feels stuck in a valley. That too will come to pass. I feel calmer now than I did even a week ago. I need rid myself of the expectations and enjoy what is ahead. That is not to say that I shouldn't take control and try to steer.

Life Is What Happens While You're Making Other Plans

2009-02-20T17:22:00.000-08:00

I have to remember many of the best things in my corner of the world were discovered when i wasn't looking for them. Most of the things I searched my entire life to find have been elusive. As of late, the things I wanted have eluded me. This should come to pass in short while. As long as I keep my eyes open, something better will come along.

Opening a Dirty Window

2009-02-19T16:24:00.001-08:00

We had a long overdue heart-to-heart discussion over lunch a few days ago. We discussed a lot of things that needed to be said for a long time. There were a lot of things that we both new, but either avoided or ignored.

Tripping over the bump in the road was inevitable. We were both a little too complacent, too comfortable with each other, and didn't communicate very well. It is a bitter sweet irony that the cause of our big crash was a misunderstanding. We got burnt by something that we thought the other wanted.

We have agreed to take a break from our d/s relationship for now. I don't know if it will resume. I didn't expect it to end or want it to end, especially after it became something much more than I originally expected when we first met, but not quite what we wanted it to be. The one thing I really wanted was a polyamourous relationship that I knew could never work.

Perhaps it will give us time to be friends for now without the struggle for control that our relationship turned into.

Searching for the Open Window

2009-02-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

Now if emotions could be as easily satisfied and subdued like the physical wants and needs. The irony is that things started off without expectations. The emotional ride changed that, perhaps creating something that would never work.

We ignored for too long the little nagging feeling in the back of our minds. When the crash occurred, we couldn't understand why it happened. Funny thing, part of the answer was given to me unexpectedly the other night while sitting around with some friends, chatting as we wound-down after some play.

So a door that has been closed while we clean up the broken pieces.

Fit to Be Tied

2009-02-06T07:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening consisted of lot's of rope. Being hog-tied up by a wonderfully sexy play partner and then returning the favour. Seeing others in a similar situation. The chance to test out some new paddles. Discovering that the paddles make some wonderful sounds when striking the right objects. Having a deliciously inviting backside to strike. And some wonderful squeals from emanating from the object of the paddle testing.

From the Age of Dinosaurs

2009-01-31T07:54:00.000-08:00

I am an internet junkie. This is obvious to most of the people who know me online. The number of webpages I click through a day is likely measurable in units bigger than I can count on my fingers. One of the things most of my viewers probably don't know about me is when it comes to the daily news, I'm still a throw-back to the old print forms of media.

I have had delivered and read the morning newspaper almost every day, save vacations and days the paper isn't published, since I was a teenager. To me, there is nothing quite the same as leisurely leafing through the morning paper over breakfast and a cup of coffee. The ability to be able to sit anywhere, sift through the pages in any order you want. Read half a story, go on to the next, and return to where you left off at any time.

I remember when the paper boy was part of the our culture. Walking down the street, you would see a paper on most door steps. These days the paper boy on a bicycle has long been replaced in most cities by adults driving cars earning spare change. The front porches with newspapers the rare exception rather than the norm.

With my newspaper subscription, I receive an e-mail early every morning with a link to the online version of the day's paper. The link usually remains unvisited while I wait for the morning paper to arrive on my doorstep.

In Your Wildest Dreams

2009-01-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

I so do enjoy watching the occasional train wreck that is disguised as the bad auditions on American. Last night's show featured a contestant for the most boring 18 year-old in the world. When queried by Simon on what his wildest dreams were, the fellow dryly responded, "owning a modest house with nice marble floors" or something like that.

I admit that my 18-year old fantasies mostly revolved around getting laid (shocking) and being mega-rich so I could afford to keep the eye candy that would get me laid. I wonder if American Idol would air the descriptions, though, of the wildest of those dreams. I doubt I'll ever fulfill the making out with a complete stranger on stage in a live sex show fantasy. But you never know what will happen. After all, I never expected to ever watch porn being filmed, something which I crossed off the bucket list sometime last year.

Restless

2009-01-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

I need...
I want...
...something.

The hunger feels as if it will never be satiated.

I need my identity to be stripped from myself. My mind separated my body. My sense of being repressed. To watch and feel. Be powerless to act. Only be able to receive.

I want to enslave another. Subject them to the physical pain and pleasure that I desire. To transfer my emptiness to them and then feed it. Make them feel what I want to feel. Take them to the edge where I want to teeter.

Make them afraid and then bring them back to safety. To engorge their appetite, so desire will whither.

To bring them to calm. To bring me back to serenity.

Life's Been Good So Far

2009-01-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

Except for the snow which I've always hated. Shoveled more snow yesterday morning only to be reminded of the futility of that by yet another surprise snowstorm that hit late in the afternoon. At least I got in a couple of hours of kink before being caught out in the snow on the way home. And the before bedtime sex was pretty good.

Whither Spring

2009-01-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

In case you are wondering what I have been up to for the past few weeks, it feels like I have spent most of the time clearing snow. It has snowed here almost every day for the past 3 weeks. This picture was taken on Christmas. Since then, we've received at least another 30cm of snow.

In other news, a lot of my actual plans wound up being changed or canceled. I did manage to make it to a couple of parties over the holidays. Somehow there were a lot of naked hugs and other activities going on at both.

2008 Year in Review

2009-01-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

To say my 2008 was a strange roller-coaster ride is an understatement. If you had asked me to make predictions at the beginning of the year, they would have looked nothing like what I experienced. Some of the kinky things I would have never had on my to-do list and I experienced or witnessed for the first time in 2008:

participated in a group masturbation scene
been caned
dominated another man
had a violet wand and a cattle prod used on me
had sounds used on me
actively participated in a group sex scene
been tied up by a famous rigger and fetish photographer
had another guy perform oral sex on me
tried needle play
been put inside a latex vacuum bed
watched a woman escape from a medical straight jacket
met a well-known author in the BDSM community
tried single tails
had oral sex in the public washroom of a bar while 3 other people watched
marked the end of the year with champagne, naked hugs and party hats
been filmed doing some of the above

It's been a hellava year. I'm sure I missed a few things. It will be interesting to see what this list will look like when I look back on 2009 a year from now.

Now Without Censor Dots

2008-12-31T08:27:00.000-08:00

I started blogging in January 2003. My blog was originally hosted on a small website called Journalspace.com. For a while, my blog was one of the most veiwed blogs on that site. For the past year, changes in my personal life kept me away from blogging regularly, although I did post about some of my more memorable experiences.

On December 18, 2008, the Journalspace.com’s data servers crashed, resulting in a loss of 6 years worth of blog posts. The procrastinator I am never did get around to saving all the posts, it was something that I was always going to get around to doing.

So here I am on Blogspot, starting over. However, where my old blog was a lot of random stuff, this one will be more focussed on who I am or should I say, my own personal self-discovery. Some old readers will recognize much of who I am. For most, though, it will be a discovery of much of me which I have, for the longest time kept under covers.

I’ve kept the title of my old blog, with a small change. It seemed appropriate.